I don’t remember myself wanting to get things right when experiencing something for the very first time.
Before, and even up to now, I value the experience itself more than trying to get things right. Sometimes, I’d get it right on the first try but I’d tell to myself afterwards that I just got lucky. But the dismissive attitude that I have towards the situation is because I know I’d be making mistakes as I go on. So there’s no reason for me to rejoice that much.
But now that I’ve said that, maybe I, too, am concerned with getting things right the first time.
I’ve mentioned something about telling a girl that I like her, in a way I never did before. And I swear that I asked God for that exact scene that happened on that day – we were just by ourselves on a street corner, I was holding her umbrella and it was raining hard. Voila.
Whenever I recall that exact moment, I always smile by my lonesome. Even if that makes me look a little crazy. But examining what happened after makes this a bit complicated talk. We haven’t had a serious, long talk ever since we had that walk in her village the same day I told her what I feel. And it’s been months since I saw her for more than 30 minutes. Needless to say, what I (we?) have now is an unwanted fallout, but who knows if this will matter, say, 3 to 5 years from now?
Anyway, I digress. I keep on telling myself I don’t regret what I did, in part because I asked God for that one moment to happen and He gave it to me. I can’t waste that. But based on what’s existed between us as of now, I’m tempted to think otherwise.
Coming back to what I said earlier, I don’t really care if I commit a mistake on the first time I do some things. But this might be an exception. I told myself that day that I only wanted to tell her what I really felt on that day and then I’ll leave the rest up to God. But secretly, I wanted to see her at least smile back at me when I told her such things, which, to me, equates to having made a right decision, the right thing to do, and it should’ve felt so right and made me so happy when I did tell her I like her – no matter what happened afterward.
And no, it did not happen. If everything went right, then who knows in what heaven would I be residing now. Apparently, what I did was – I daresay – a mistake, and I should have learned my lessons. But like everyone else, I get tired of making mistakes and eating humble pie after. I wanted to get it right the first time, even though I said otherwise.
Here comes the element called the future. Though it sounds preposterous, it allows you to somehow mop up your mistakes. It gives you a second chance even though there’s a big chance it will never be like the past that you once enjoyed. Though I might not have gotten it the first time, there’s always that second time. It offers you the hope that someday, you might get it right, that loving will make you happy – and will love you back.
Here’s to 2011. It won’t be the first time I’ll be doing this, but hey, world: get ready for me.